Having felt burning shame over actually getting angry about the way another human being looks yesterday, I have been mentally self-flagelating with sticks overnight and decided the best thing to do was send an honest email to Ad Man explaining the situation without using the words 'milk-fed', 'someone's dad' or 'total let down'.
I think I achieved the seemingly impossible and kept the tone light, whilst maintaining it was entirely my fault for having a 'type' and not his that he didn't fit into it whilst hinting that I might be ever so slightly shallow anyway and he probably doesn't want to get involved with someone so high maintainance. See? I didn't even have to lie. Quite whether I'll be able to read his reply, should he send one, is another matter. I hate letting people down.
Guilt over Ad Man's imminent let down wasn't the only thing keeping me awake last night. At around 2am I was woken up by a group of men talking loudly outside my window. After a couple of minutes I looked outside only to discover three hooded 'yooves' kicking the crap out of a preppy-looking dude. They had him up against my neighbour's BMW 3 series and were uttering phrases like 'I'm going to cut your fucking balls off'. After a few more minutes of serious menacing, a pimped-up people carrier arrived and two of the hoodies bundled into it whilst the other gave preppy guy another punch in the stomach, just to make sure then hopped in and they sped off. Surprisingly preppy guy actually got up and staggered off.
I had my mobile phone in my hand, ready to call 999 but I didn't. The reason being that back in May I witnessed a kidnapping in progress outside my local pub. I reported it, and in September I ended up giving prosecution evidence at the Crown Court. It was without doubt the most terrifying thing I have ever done. I thought the phrase 'shaking with fear' was merely flowery prose designed to spice up a novel but I discovered its actually possible. Anyway, it was weeks of panicking about it, psyching myself up and not sleeping that culminated in my stint in court, then me breaking down into floods of tears all over my witness liaison officer the minute I got outside. It was just too much to bear and the thought of getting tangled up in all that again was just horrifying.
I finally drifted off at around 4am to be awoken by a crash from downstairs. In my sleep-addled state I managed to convince myself that the hoodies had seen me watching them and had come back to finish me off. I dozed fitfully with the light on until my alarm went off at six. When I got downstairs for a shower (weird house setup) I discovered one of the sucker-trays holding the shampoo had fallen off the wall.
Today I am sleep-deprived and jumpy. My line manager is down from the northern office and there's a good chance I'll have resigned by lunch time. I'm determined to do it as every day here is making me more and more miserable. I just hope I can do it without crying. Mind you the way I'm feeling now there's more chance of me nodding off.
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