Awakening

I have managed to lose 11lb in 3 weeks. This pleases me but it doesn't come easy. For a start I'm not eating lunch. I know, I know...the way to lose weight is slowly and sensibly in order for it to stay off forever. Well sorry but slowly and sensibly isn't cutting it with me any more. I eat a tiny box of cereal in the morning, an apple or a Go Ahead bar for lunch, gallons of diet Coke to stem the hunger pains and either heated chopped tomatoes or veg goulash with a chicken breast or sweet potato in the evening. I'm also doing a Davina work out DVD when I can. Scoff if you will (I'm bloody not) but it's working. Unfortunately I am just now the weight I was the last time I thought 'Jesus I'm a porker, better go on a diet' so it's hardly a great achievement but it's a start. Case in point; it's Saturday night and although I'm drinking wine which is calorific, instead of my usual curry, snacks & chocolate fest of last year I have made goulash and had it with a chicken breast. I also worked out this morning and spent the afternoon helping my brother move house so I think I've earned a few glasses of wine. Tomorrow is a family do which are always heavy on booze and food but I'll just have to stick to spirits and avoid all puddings. I actually find I enjoy the feeling of hunger - it shows me I'm not overindulging.

Surfer Boy came to see me on Thursday night. I booked the Friday off work in a display of utter presumtiousness which fortunately paid off. He arrived in the hood and I took him straight to a bar and got the drinks in. He paid last time and he paid for the train up here so I figured it was only fair. Me being me went mad and ended up spending £50 but it was worth it. We clicked again from the start. He made me laugh and we talked non-stop. He put his hand on my leg more than once and watched my lips for just slightly too long while I was talking.
I took him to my favourite Brixton pub, The Dogstar where I know the staff very well and knew we'd get a good welcome. It couldn't have gone better - as we approached the head doorman spotted me and immediately went into Wayne's World style 'we're not worthy' bowing, elliciting a 'wow' from SB. Inside we were warmly welcomed and immediately bought into the fold, resulting in a lock in and a prolonged period mucking about with the lost and found glasses box. SB was impressed with the gang and I loved them for being so effusive. We headed back to mine at which point I became more nervous than I've been in a long time. My body confidence is very low but he seemed to be really into my body which I found astonishing as someone who spends every day loathing it. Somehow he relaxed me and I fooled around without worrying about my arse/thighs.
We didn't have sex. It was actually really nice because it feels like there's still something to discover. He stayed the night and the next day was spent on the sofa, kissing, chatting, laughing, watching DVDs and basically being as couply as you can be. My warning bells were going off purely because I felt myself starting to yearn. I can't be hurt again, I really can't and I really like this boy so I continually extricated myself from embraces and joked where I probably shouldn't have. Still, he left around 9pm and texted me on the way home saying he couldn't wait to see me again. He texted me again today asking to see me in a few day's time. I love the fact he's not dicking about or hiding the fact he likes me. Whether he wants something long term remains to be seen but right now I'm not sure I even do. It's just nice to feel alive again. I feel like I've been woken up after a year and a half of hiding away and being scared. It's like running through a rainstorm and right now I can't wait to get wet again...

It's Been a While

I pick up my blog a whole 21 months after I last posted. I am not going to go into detail here about the last 21 months because they've been shocking. Here instead are a few handy bullet points.

• Had a year long relationship with a guy who turned out to be a manic depressive. He attempted suicide when I dumped him. I found him. When it was finally over he stalked me for three months. It ended in March 09 and I am still wounded.
• Developed an allergy to perfume which resulted in hideous rashes on my face and severely swollen eyes. This happened three times before the allergy patch tests revealed it was perfume. I have since discovered it's mainly aerosol perfume that exacerbates it.
• I was made redundant. Spent 10 weeks over the summer navel gazing and panicking only to get a much better job with a much better company. I now work in advertising.
• Got a flat on my own. Still rental but I live by myself and I love it.

Since the horror relationship ended I hadn't been touched let alone kissed by another man until one night over Christmas when I met up with a guy I hadn't seen since I was 19. Surfer Boy (because he does) was a crush of mine from when I was about 15. In the days before Facebook or mobile phones there was no way of keeping in touch with crushes unless you exchanged full postal addresses and landline numbers (which ran the risk of speaking to someone's dad). So whenever we bumped into each other we'd end up 'getting off' with each other. Since then he's been married and is now in the final stages of divorce. We've been in contact on Facebook since middle of last year and in the last 5 months or so the contact has been almost daily. Unfortunately my weight has skyrocketed (comfort eating) so I had been dodging his occasional suggestions of meeting up. However, he lives in my hometown and over Christmas I decided it was about time we met up.

He looked just the same. I mean, I'd seen pics on Facebook of course but this was different. I felt 15 years old again. It was bank holiday so everywhere was shut but we found an open Cafe Rouge and settled in for a couple of bottles of red and a catch up. Early closing came too soon and we had a lock in, then continued drinking and talking in his car. We kissed and it was just the same only maybe a little more practised on both sides. He mentioned coming up to see me and I agreed but since there has been no mention of that. We're still in touch virtually every day one way or another and I am in full blown crush overload. It's made my diet all the more vital as I would give anything to go to bed with him. I haven't had sex for 15 months which, if you read back over this blog, is pretty shocking for me.

I need to lose 2 stone. I don't imagine it'll be quick but it must happen and stay off. I have started my diet with earnest and the desire for Surfer Boy coupled with the fact none of my clothes fit properly is spurring me on. I've done it before...I can do it again.