I have self esteem issues. I mean, I know I've never exactly been that happy with myself and that I do have certain things that need addressing in that direction, but on Friday night the true extent of it was slammed home to me.
Impromptu drinks after work with Oz Girl. She was due to be meeting friends and I was stepping in as an after work use. When the friends turned up, they happened to be two blokes - one of whom she had a major crush on. His blonde friend was vaguely interesting to talk to if not that attractive and I was the wrong side of a glass of Chianti and three Coronas when they arrived so I was happy to stick around.
Within an hour and a half, Blonde was standing behind me at the bar as I ordered, running his hands up and down my body and generally fondling me in a very inappropriate way. Now, here's the kicker - I didn't stop him. Despite knowing he has a girlfriend of 4 years (what hope is there for any of us). Of course, it got me very, very excited as I haven't been touched in an illicit fashion for a long time. There was something about this guy...not the looks so much as the way he spoke to me. He would hold my gaze and act as if it was just us in the bar. I'm sure this technique has worked on hundreds of drunk chicks in the past so I'm under no illusion about it's depth of meaning but right then, it was just what I needed.
We ended up snogging for hours. In the bar, outside the bar, in an alley on the way to the next bar... Real, teenagery, wanton snogging. At one point his exploring hands became utterly x-rated and it was then that I jolted myself awake. What the hell was I doing standing in a crowded bar with some bloke's hand down my knickers and his mouth on my neck? How low has my self esteem plummeted that I am so desperate for affection I let this total player get that far with me? I scrabbled for my bag and fled the bar into a waiting taxi amid a cloud of drunken shame.
On Sunday night I had a date. Sadly not with the graphic designer, we're still just chatting (ask me out, already!) but with another guy I'd met after work last week. He was nice and we got on really well (I actually choked on my Corona at one point he made me laugh so hard...should probably stop drinking Corona) but there wasn't really a spark. He's a fascinating man - his career is as an underwater photographer - but it just didn't click. I'd actually be happy to have him as a friend - he's the sort of guy I can imagine getting happily smashed with. Plus I am confident he wouldn't take advantage like the evil Blonde.
This week is shaping up to be a hectic one. I still haven't resigned due to fear of unemployment engulfing me at the last minute. I do have two appointments with recruitment consultants this week though so hopefully something will happen soon. My industry has a trade show this week which I'm required to attend and whore myself around at. The slight niggle is that The Ex is in the same industry and may well be there. I haven't spoken to or seen him since he finished with me four weeks ago so it could be awkward. I'll just have to look great and laugh lots in case he's around. Honestly, as if it wasn't going to be difficult enough.
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