The Fool

The combination of gallons of rosé, PMT and a genuinely upsetting situation can only lead to one thing. With all the inevitability of seeing your ex when you're hungover, last night I made an utter fool of myself.

I should start from the beginning. A year or so ago I met a guy on Myspace (S) who, although flirtatious, never really became anything more than an online buddy. That was until New Year's Eve when we ended up at the same club and met for the first time. I didn't particularly fancy him but liked him a lot and so we became real-life friends, occasionally meeting for drinks. We kissed a couple of times but things never really went any further so I just took it to be a clumsy display of friendship and affection.
S has four brothers and one night he bought his youngest brother W, along for drinks with me and my friend R. That night, R slept with W and I slept with S (it was a ridiculously messy night fuelled by Grolsch). From that night I developed a crippling crush on S, who sadly appeared to have no interest in actually taking things beyond friendship so I was left to suffer through my tumultuous and confusing emotions while pretending to him everything was fine. Meanwhile, R and W began seeing each other which I found annoying but wasn't totally sure why.

That was a couple of months ago. R and W are still going strong, S and I have slept together once more, three weeks ago but S now seems to be largely ignoring me again. R is spending more and more time at their house (S and W live together), and is getting really close to S. They all went clubbing without me on Friday night (I was busy but it still hurt), and I've since heard nothing but how wonderful S was and how much fun they all had and I just don't think I can take it any more. I am crippled with jealousy over my best friend's blossoming friendship with MY FRIEND S. I hate the fact that she has usurped me as his mate both online and in real life and I loathe the fact that no one seems to think this might bother me. "But I was there FIRST!" I want to scream.
Instead I am left, bitter and bruised, to deal with my emotions in silence. I know it's childish and I know I should be more in control of how I feel but I'm not. In this situation I am a jealous, petulant teenager slamming their door and blaring music while smoking out the window.
It came to a head last night while I was very drunk. I ended up standing outside a pub in Clapham, bellowing at Steve down the phone about how he is neglecting our friendship and demanding to know why he can spend virtually an entire 24 hours with my friend R, but can't spare time for one pint with me. I was then rude to R and strode home through the hood with poor A running after me, as I bellowed expletives about S, prompting stares from the local crazies at the bus stop.

I know what I need. I need a guy of my own. I need someone to take my mind off this ridiculous situation and take the focus off S because actually, he is a totally inappropriate crush. He's a loser, a player and has the maturity of a 14 year old boy. I believe I only have this crush because I have no one else to focus on. Fighting my apathy I have rejoined a couple of dating websites. I really can't face any more 'first dates' but I've failed to meet anyone whilst out and about of late so clearly this is my only recourse. I'm spending today veiled in shame and depression and wallowing in an acidic hangover. When will I learn?