I waited a very-restrained three days before emailing M after our date. He replied in fairly short order with a chatty email that included questions which I went back and answered, including a couple more of my own to keep the contact going.
That was the last I heard from him and that was 5 days ago.
Why are men like this? Why do they feel it's completely unnecessary to keep us in the loop re: decisions that involve us? I mean, strap on a pair for fuck's sake! Also, I thought women were supposed to be the fickle ones; how is it possible to decide within the space of an hour and two emails that actually you don't want to talk to someone ever again. As usual I completely misunderstood the situation and thought maybe he actually wanted to date and have a giggle. Note: I am NOT viewing every man as the father of my children. I enjoy having fun and while I wouldn't mind a relationship with the right person I'm not about to rush into anything. Why do they assume we are all picking out wedding dress fabric within four seconds of them saying something vaguely nice to us?
Needless to say with my ego more battered than it's been for ages, my weekend was always going to involve me desperately fishing for validation from men. This ridiculous mindset and far too much wine on Saturday night led to F and I pulling several men and taking them back to my flat. She slept with one of them and I had a threesome with another two of them. Quite what the circumstances were leading up to this I've no idea. I was wasted so there are fairly substantial gaps in my memory which is worrying. Thank goodness they were 'nice' boys because they could have done anything to me and my friend. This is an inestimably scary thought. I have got to stop this excessive self-destructive behaviour. It's starting to scare me now as I'm really putting myself at risk. Although all my friends pretty much seem to be the same so maybe I should be questioning what the heck is wrong with all of us. I guess self-esteem issues would be the main reason but (and I know I'm biased here) we're all pretty cool girls so why we should feel so utterly inadequate is beyond me.
R and I have just booked a week's holiday to Malia in Crete which is basically the clubbing capital of the islands so actually the chances of more of the same are high. Still, at least with any self-loathing incurred on holiday you can fly far, far away from it at the end.
N returns home in just over a week. The three months have flown by. I am very excited about his return but I'm worried about the reasons why. First of all, I fancy him like mad, secondly we've really got on well during the time he's been away and I'm eager to have voice on voice conversation rather than text or email. Finally though, in my mind he has emerged to represent protection, comfort and security. This is dangerous, mainly because I don't know how strongly he feels about me, despite hearing from him on an almost daily basis while he's been away but also because I am likely to make a very stupid decision because I'm feeling vulnerable. I must try my hardest to tread carefully with this one but my excitement levels as the day of his return approaches are threatening to overwhelm me.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Ego
M got back in touch with me last week. We spoke on the phone for about an hour on Thursday night and arranged to meet up on Saturday night. He came over to my neck of the woods and we just did a couple of the local bars. My flatmate was away so inevitably he came back to mine which I was fine with. I'd been worried I wouldn't fancy him given that I was really out of it when we met but boy, did I fancy him. He is all charisma coupled with sparkly eyes, a gorgeous body and an absolutely killer smile. Back at my place we carried on drinking, played music, got off with each other and basically messed about until about 5am. As he was leaving on Sunday morning, he said he'd like to 'do this again'. I agreed and told him to call me, to which he responded 'Well you could call me, you know.' I replied that I didn't like to assume and his response was simply 'Assume.' Fair enough then. To be honest though he's way next weekend and the one after so I've really no idea when I'd see him again anyway. After that, I'm potentially going on holiday with my friend R so things could quite easily fizzle out. I hope they don't though. He does seem to be a bit of a lad but obviously that just makes him more attractive to me. I'm very preoccupied with thoughts of him at the moment and I'm annoyed with myself for giving in to yet another crush.
N is due back in just over two weeks. I can't believe how quickly this three months has gone. I'm still very keen to meet up with him when he gets back but honestly I can't really remember what he looks like or what his voice sounds like...he's become a sort of wispy memory and I'm slightly concerned that I'll be disappointed or vice versa. Still, nothing ventured obviously.
I discovered last week that The Ex is moving his girlfriend into his flat. This is surprising because a) I didn't know he had a girlfriend and b) we've only been apart for 9 months so this is astonishingly quick work on behalf of a confirmed commitophobe. She is apparently the diametric opposite of me; sporty, laddish and with an utter aversion to make up. This is a good thing though - had she been a clone of me it would have been creepy. At least this way I can be sure that I just wasn't the right sort of match for him, rather than just a rubbish version of a type he adores. Needless to say after finding out just a couple of weeks ago that that a previous ex is getting married, I was feeling extremely inadequate. Perhaps that's why I'm in full blown crush mode with M - maybe my bruised ego is just crying out for some validation. No change there then.
N is due back in just over two weeks. I can't believe how quickly this three months has gone. I'm still very keen to meet up with him when he gets back but honestly I can't really remember what he looks like or what his voice sounds like...he's become a sort of wispy memory and I'm slightly concerned that I'll be disappointed or vice versa. Still, nothing ventured obviously.
I discovered last week that The Ex is moving his girlfriend into his flat. This is surprising because a) I didn't know he had a girlfriend and b) we've only been apart for 9 months so this is astonishingly quick work on behalf of a confirmed commitophobe. She is apparently the diametric opposite of me; sporty, laddish and with an utter aversion to make up. This is a good thing though - had she been a clone of me it would have been creepy. At least this way I can be sure that I just wasn't the right sort of match for him, rather than just a rubbish version of a type he adores. Needless to say after finding out just a couple of weeks ago that that a previous ex is getting married, I was feeling extremely inadequate. Perhaps that's why I'm in full blown crush mode with M - maybe my bruised ego is just crying out for some validation. No change there then.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Wildchild
For the first time in ages I absolutely and completely let go. You may find that statement surprising given the lack of self control evident in recent posts but last Saturday, at the Wildchild dance festival I partied harder and with more abandon than I have for years. We arrived, following a stomach-lining Wetherspoons lunch at the site around 3pm. Undeterred by the rain we checked our coats and dived straight in The Cross nightclub (the festival was based around The Cross, The Key and Canvas in Kings Cross). As an avid Spaced fan I was thrilled to be in the club in which they filmed the 'clubbing' episode (I kept that to myself at the time). We danced...and drank...and danced for hours, visiting different tents and clubs as the day wore on. At around 8pm I found myself dancing in an outside tent with the rain pouring down, puddles underfoot and nothing but a strappy vest covering my shoulders. I got talking to a group of lads, one of whom immediately caught my eye. M was tall, dark and oh yes...very handsome. We all spent a couple of hours dancing and laughing in there until the main festival closed and we decided to make a night of it in The Key.
After a while M and I began kissing and basically didn't stop except to dance or get more drinks. My first couple of friends left around 2am, then the next lot at around 4:30am until the only person I knew in the place was M. Not having ever been a real clubber I was amazed to find I was the last one standing at 6am. Well, I say 'standing'...I was actually slumped on a bench in the chill out area, defiantly smoking my last ever legal cigarette indoors (the ban kicked in at 6am that day) when M came and found me. We went back to mine, arriving home around 6:30am. We spent the day in bed, not eating and not sleeping, just exploring each other. I found him overwhelmingly attractive and the heady cocktail of no sleep, no food for almost a day and sexual arousal meant we were obsessed with each other and only each other for hours.
He left me around 7pm that Sunday with a raging stubble rash around my mouth and sore muscles in my thighs (well, it's been a few weeks). Not certain whether I'd ever hear from him again I was thrilled when he text me asking for my email address the following day. He confirmed he'd like to see me when he returned from holiday. Despite the way we met I had thought perhaps he was interested in me in a dating sense, however when I received a call from him on the morning of the third day of his holiday which, it became quickly evident, was a telephonic booty call I began to have my doubts. Of course I obliged, my self esteem is too low not to, but I was left feeling a bit hollow. I'm fine with 'just sex' normally as I never real feel that much of a connection with anyone but M was different. In between the marathon heavy petting session of that Sunday, we talked a great deal and found we had lots in common. He's intelligent and successful with a great sense of humour leading me to secretly harbour hope that he might develop into something more...substantial. He gets home tomorrow so we'll see how things go and whether he even contacts me. I think I would see him again, if not just to have the chance to hop onto that fabulous body but also to see if I can't persuade him to think outside my box.
After a while M and I began kissing and basically didn't stop except to dance or get more drinks. My first couple of friends left around 2am, then the next lot at around 4:30am until the only person I knew in the place was M. Not having ever been a real clubber I was amazed to find I was the last one standing at 6am. Well, I say 'standing'...I was actually slumped on a bench in the chill out area, defiantly smoking my last ever legal cigarette indoors (the ban kicked in at 6am that day) when M came and found me. We went back to mine, arriving home around 6:30am. We spent the day in bed, not eating and not sleeping, just exploring each other. I found him overwhelmingly attractive and the heady cocktail of no sleep, no food for almost a day and sexual arousal meant we were obsessed with each other and only each other for hours.
He left me around 7pm that Sunday with a raging stubble rash around my mouth and sore muscles in my thighs (well, it's been a few weeks). Not certain whether I'd ever hear from him again I was thrilled when he text me asking for my email address the following day. He confirmed he'd like to see me when he returned from holiday. Despite the way we met I had thought perhaps he was interested in me in a dating sense, however when I received a call from him on the morning of the third day of his holiday which, it became quickly evident, was a telephonic booty call I began to have my doubts. Of course I obliged, my self esteem is too low not to, but I was left feeling a bit hollow. I'm fine with 'just sex' normally as I never real feel that much of a connection with anyone but M was different. In between the marathon heavy petting session of that Sunday, we talked a great deal and found we had lots in common. He's intelligent and successful with a great sense of humour leading me to secretly harbour hope that he might develop into something more...substantial. He gets home tomorrow so we'll see how things go and whether he even contacts me. I think I would see him again, if not just to have the chance to hop onto that fabulous body but also to see if I can't persuade him to think outside my box.
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