Feeling the Fear

I'm thinking of resigning.

After all the Big Conversations on Friday, which involved phrases like 'When are you going to wake up and realise that it's all down to you?', 'The investors in America are watching you' and 'You're not even justifying your National Insurance cost here', I spent the entire weekend obsessing about how much longer I can continue to work for a company that uses idle threats to motivate it's staff. I long ago accepted that I'm not the right person for the job so how come I have yet to do anything about it? I guess just a general optimism that it might start getting better, and probably the desire to hang on the the best job title I've ever had, hands down. But it's not all about that, is it? I'm beginning to realise it's about trying to be happy, hopefully on a daily basis. That might mean earning slightly less than I do now and dreading people asking me what I do at parties but if I'm sleeping at night and not trying to hide behind my screens every day, praying no one asks me any questions then surely, that's got to be better?

Of course, I don't have another job to go to. I'm 'feeling the fear and doing it anyway'. Well, thinking of doing it anyway. So really I'm 'feeling the fear and having a think about doing it and writing about it in my blog in the hopes it will act as a cathartic exercise and give me some mental clarity.' A slightly less catchy soundbite I think you'll agree. Quitting now would give me a month to find something else. I suppose it's do-able and I could always temp (urgh) but there's rent/bills to pay, aspirational magazines to afford etc. Must make a decision soon though as I really don't want to come back here after Christmas. After the annus horribilis that has been 2006 I really would like to start 2007 on a positive note - albeit single and potentially homeless (melodramatic maybe, but that's my mood today).

On another note, I have received no reply from Ad Man after sending him my picture on Friday afternoon. Prior to me sending it, he did say he'd reply over the weekend. A less secure individual might question the correlation of these two events. I, on the other hand, have not even seen a photo of this person let alone met him so I'm determined not to allow my ailing self-confidence to get knocked by it.
I may need a Pret brownie fairly shortly though.