Wishing I Was Bettie

Gosh it's been a busy few days! I spent a lovely Easter weekend at home with the family including my nan who I haven't seen for ages. She had bought along reams of old family photos and some letters/newspapers from the war so on Sunday we tripped off down memory lane and learnt about our immediate ancestors. My dad then caught the history bug and dug out his slide projector. We sat long into the evening going through photos he took around London when he was 21 and throughout his early twenties in general. All the way through to my parent's wedding photos which I'd never seen. It was really emotional and I felt strangely detached from reality having spent a large portion of the day in the past.

I had a date a couple of weeks ago from the website with a guy that lives in Warwickshire. Heck of a way to come but the plan is he move down to London soon and I really liked the sound of him so I decided to go for it. When I saw him the first time I was momentarily stunned because at 6ft 4" I practically had to look directly upwards to meet his eye and as previously mentioned, I'm not short. After so many dates with shorter, slimmer blokes, to meet a guy that was not only tall but seriously built with it was fantastic. He turned out to be lovely and although I got embarrassingly drunk on the date (must stop doing that) he didn't seem to mind and came home with me (must stop doing that too). The following morning we fooled around for a while longer, making me late for work. I had assumed that once again I'd ruined any chances for a repeat performance but he's been texting me ever since. I've been waiting in vain for him to suggest a second date and yesterday when I got another 'how are you' text, I lost patience and asked him out on Friday. Happily he said yes which pleased me immensely as I haven't been able to stop thinking about him.

In the meantime, I've got a date with someone else from the website tonight which was arranged ages ago. He's taking me to The Sanderson in Soho which is very posh and makes me think finally I've got a date with someone that's not afraid to spend a bit of cash! I'm not overly excited about it but it'll be a nice distraction.

I've also been emailing a guy who hit me up through my myspace page. The only reason I bothered replying to his first email (among the reams of loonies that contact girls on a daily basis) was because he was unbelievably fine. He's a male model and had some astonishing photos on his profile. The emails escalated to instant messaging and culminated in us writing absolute filth to each other yesterday afternoon. After a while we were just simultaneously spinning our own fantasy out together and I'm ashamed to say I was desperately aroused and so, apparently, was he. In the midst of my lust-glaze I gave him my mobile number and he rang me late last night. We talked for about an hour in which time I learnt that not only is he 24 (felt immediately old) and has a very successful sales career, he has also spent the last three years practising dominant/submissive relationships, with him as the dominant party. This made me nervous for however sexually open and aware I like to think I am, there's something about dedication to things like bondage and fetishes which both scares and fascinates me. He explained that it's not all he's about but that he is involved with several 'groups' who meet for parties occasionally and that he goes to erotic festivals. In the cold light of day as I type this it strikes me as surreal and a little grubby but last night, with his low voice close to my ear I was excited by it. I have always had a thing about being controlled by a man (in a very non-rape way, believe me) but just having them call the shots. Unfortunately it would seem most of the guys I've been with lately have been so lazy, it's been me doing all the work. I don't mind making the effort but it would be nice to get something in return (like...er...an orgasm maybe??).

After a while I started talking to him about what I liked to do and got onto the subject of blow jobs which culminated in me graphically describing what I would do to him, while he masturbated. Hearing him ejaculate on the other end of the phone, purely because he was listening to my voice (and touching himself, obviously) turned out to be a real power trip for me and I've been thinking about it ever since. I never realised I could describe in quite such realistic detail such acts but it would seem I have a new skill. He's now asked me out (what a shock) but I don't know whether I'll meet him. Sometimes it's best to keep these things as a fantasy. Well, that's partly the reason I might not meet him. The other reason is that because he is a male model I am completely intimidated by his physique. He's seen head and shoulders shots of me but that's all and I'm by no means model material! The crushing disappointment of rejection in person would just be too much to cope with, I fear. Anyway, it's all fantasy. The real thing I'm looking forward to is meeting D on Friday. It will either clear him out of my head or plunge me deeper into the crush. As he's so far away I kind of hope it will be the former but then when have I ever jumped to the easy option?