Getting in Deeper...

Haven't heard anything from D after Friday night which is a relief. I must have made it very clear that I wasn't remotely interested; quite an achievement when you consider I slept with him. Maybe blokes sometimes can get mixed messages in the right order.

I'm supposed to be going to see Phantom of the Opera tonight, finally. I've missed it twice and am risking E deciding she doesn't want to be friends with someone so flaky. I'm definitely going even though frankly I'd rather go home and eat a curry in my pyjamas. It doesn't help that I'm hungover today due to excessive Guiness consumption. I went out with A from work last night who is my new favourite girl! We're so astonishingly similar even though she's 4 years younger than me. She's the only person I can talk utter filth with and that will either have done it or completely get me. She doesn't judge either and although I could tell my close friends about my recent activities and they'd laugh along gamely and widen their eyes at the appropriate moments, I know I'll still see a topnote of shock in their eyes.

Speaking of which, I now have a total of five videos on my mobile phone from myspace guy all of which showing him being very...erm...graphic with himself. They are astonishingly arousing and I've watched them a shameful number of times. The more we talk, the more I feel myself becoming really attracted to the idea of this dom/sub relationship. Not in any deep way at the moment, but the idea of being controlled by this mesmerising man really turns me on. I still have reservations, or fears if I'm honest, which I told him about the other night. He was at great pains to reassure me that if we indulged in that kind of play, it would be for mutual pleasure and would stop the minute either of us wanted it to (he meant me but was being kind). He also asked me whether I saw this relationship as just sex. When I replied that I didn't know him well enough for it to be anything else, he seemed almost disappointed and told me that 'filthy fucking' aside he really liked me as a person and wanted to get to know me better. It may well have been a line but it was a sweet one nonetheless. Typically I am trying to move him around like a jigsaw piece to see if he'll fit into my life in any way but he just won't. He's too young, too wild and far too arrogant. He's very fun for now but as for long term...I think I need to detach the emotions immediately before it's too late. The problem is I'm finding that I'm not interested in any of the guys contacting me through the dating website or any that I meet in real life at the moment (which isn't many if I'm honest). I compare them to myspace guy (who I'll call J from now on) and they just seem less sexy and less exciting. Plus I'm now sleeping with a model/porn star. Who the hell can top that?