Headwreck

R leaves New York tonight, arriving back in London at stupid o'clock tomorrow morning. I have spent the last five days and nights (mainly the nights) worrying, obsessing and torturing myself about what he might have been getting up to. Various reactions from friends and family who have kindly put up with me boring the collective arse off them with my issues, have made me even more uncertain about what to expect.

For example, the issue of him sharing a room with this girl has garnered supportive, 'oh I'm sure nothing will happen' type responses from my girlfriends however my brother (a man) reacted by exclaiming 'What?!' then sucking the air in through his teeth like a plumber surveying a boiler that's rusted off the wall. The issue of him switching his phone off and telling me not to text him because 'it's too expensive' has also received mixed reactions. Again, the supportive collective I surround myself with have decided this is perfectly reasonable and doesn't mean he's been planning a New York based shagathon with this girl and doesn't want to be disturbed. On the other hand my friend K who travels all the time and never sugar-coats anything reckons that's a load of old tosh as it's not that expensive to text from the US any more.

Basically my brain is spinning. I keep telling myself not to expect the worst but then would he switch his phone off for a week if he really liked me and was missing me? Would he not move heaven, earth and line rental to drop me a line to let me know he was thinking of me? Would he not have tried to reassure me more before he left that he would miss me and couldn't wait to see me again? I know it's only been six weeks but they've been so intense I feel as though some kind of affirming declaration wouldn't be inappropriate.

My feelings are all over the place plus I'm PMSing like a bitch so my only recourse to give voice to my frustrations, is to quote Sex and the City which I'm sure I'll be mortified about when all this is over and my head is straight again. However, mired as I am in the depths of my current torment it seems to fit. This is what I want and I don't understand why it's so far proven impossible to find...

'Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, can't-live-without-each-other love...'

I don't know where this thing with R is going but needless to say I'm rapidly retreating from it, back to how I was a few months ago where casual sex was commonplace and I actually felt confident. This emotions lark is far, far too difficult.