Heartbreak

R arrived home yesterday morning. Within four hours of his return, I learned that the girl he spent the week with in New York utterly blew him away, that they developed very strong feelings for each other, that they spent all their time together and he met her friends, that she cried when he left and that there was an occasion where they masturbated in front of each other. He claims they didn't touch or even kiss and certainly didn't fuck but I don't believe him. I don't believe a word. He is also now smoking again because of her and yet I've smoked in front of him for six weeks and never had that affect. He says he now has feelings for two girls at the same time. The worst thing, the unbelievable horror of it all is that he cannot see why I might be upset about this. He genuinely believes he's done nothing wrong and has asked me to 'give him credit' for not fucking her when he had the chance. Apparently if she lived over here it would be hard for him because he would have to choose between the two of us but since she doesn't - hooray - decision made, he picks me. He is going to keep in touch with her and also sees nothing wrong with that.

I am, at my best, insecure and easily threatened. If I was to try and stay with this person now, like he's asking me to, I'd give my sanity a week, maybe two, tops.

Yesterday I ate nothing through the sheer all-encompassing upset of the revelations and the fucking heartbreak of it all. I roped F into coming out with me and pounded cocktails and shots all night as though my life depended on it. I got home at 1am blasted out of my mind, and passed into blissful oblivion. So far today I've vomited four times at work and spent ten minutes sitting on the floor of the toilet, crying. I cannot eat because the minute the food enters my mouth it becomes a hard lump, impossible to swallow and I vomit again (admittedly I've only tried this with a piece of dry toast but it's enough).

This is after just one day of self-loathing, anger, bitterness, jealousy, heartbreak, disbelief and frantic confusion. How on earth will I remain alive if I keep this person in my life?

And yet...and yet the needy, insecure little girl inside me, the part that fell utterly in love with him can't seem to let go just yet. What, in the name of Christ, is wrong with me?