...Comes Around

From having to worry about how to accommodate three men in my life, it would now appear I have to worry about none. Is this karmic retribution for my excessive sluttishness of late (two men in my bed in one weekend...three in one week...??). If history (and Hollywood) teaches us nothing else it's that naughty behaviour will always be rewarded with a MAJOR buzzkill. OK so I'm hardly Alan Rickman in that Die Hard film but you get the point.

N has gone travelling following two weeks of constant texting and three sessions of very hot sex with one last meeting of surprising tenderness. I went to his flat in St James Park the night before the night before he left and he cooked. I met his flatmates and felt oddly like his girlfriend. I found myself getting quite lumpy-throated at the prospect of this man I'd known for a mere fortnight, skipping the country for three months. We've promised to email and if I'm single when he's back and he's still into me...well who knows? I had half a bottle of wine that night and so wasn't drunk, yet when he left me at the tube I found myself blinded by tears which shocked me. He very much got under my skin and I'm already having to resist emailing him.

J has slowly gone quiet. I was supposed to see him last Sunday but I blew him out in favour of L who at the time I thought was a better investment. Instead J came over after I got home from my friend's birthday party on the Saturday night around 1am and stayed the night. I was on so nothing happened but it was lovely to see him. I was supposed to see him Friday night but have been dragged back to suburbia for bridesmaid duties and family devotion so had to blow him out again. I think that was the last straw for him because he's since not replied to my text message and seems to have lost interest. This is a shame because although I know he was wrong for me, I enjoyed his company very much and found him so exciting. I don't know that the door is fully closed but it feels that way from this side.

I met L that Sunday and we had a lovely, giggly, mutually hungover date. We went back to mine for DVDs and a take away and he stayed the night (same weekend obviously so still on - bad timing all round really). We fooled around A LOT which was totally hot. I've always had a thing for guys with long hair but never been with one before. I was right to fantasise - it just does things to me! He left at lunchtime on Bank Holiday Monday and I went out and got absolutely wasted with flatmate A and ended up puking all over our bathroom floor which made me feel shocking and very, very ashamed.

Thursday night I met up with L and his best mate for drinks. I played it so well - the friend and I were laughing and joking together after an hour which I think L was happy about. The friend left and suddenly L and I were kissing (I think I started it but I was quite drunk at the time). Suddenly L started to tell me why he couldn't sleep with me that night. There was a very good reason which I'm not going into here but suffice to say it bought us right back down to earth and although we kissed at the tube it was awkward to say the least. He emailed me the following morning to apologise for the headwreck of the night before and we emailed a bit that day but they were matey emails not really going anywhere and they smacked of 'I just want to be friends.' He seemed to go from majorly effusive to evasive and non-committal within a week and I was left wondering what the hell happened. I will wait to see whether he contacts me again but I'm trying not to care.

I've just logged into the dating website for the first time in 3 weeks...just to see what's going on. It would appear that without the prospect male attention I now panic. This is both sad and desperate so maybe that's what they can all smell on me. Perhaps I need to give it all a rest - I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind any more. Spending the weekend discussing weddings and making placeholders out of sprigs of lavender has definitely not helped.