Clarity?

What was I thinking? I mean really, what on earth did I think was going to happen? That somehow getting involved with several men at once wouldn't end in tears and would in fact result in everlasting happiness? With the benefit of hindsight it's laughable that I could have been such a twat for so long.

The weekend was every bit as depressing as I thought it would be. I was angry and upset and I didn't really do anything except get my hair cut and eat my body weight in Phish Food. However I came out of it with the realisation that I deserve everything I get. If I mess around and choose to sleep with whoever then I must expect emotions to eventually get tangled up. It's not true of all women of course, I don't subscribe to the theory that all women are unable to separate love from sex but I know that with me it's only a matter of time. Two or three sessions, I'm detached. Any more than that though and apparently I start to yearn. Still, at least I've learnt my limits although frankly I feel like steering well clear of it all for a while.

Having said that though, I've had some truly lovely emails from N while he's been travelling. He's still got around 8 weeks to go which is a shame as I'm finding I'm really missing him. I've spent a long time trying to ascertain whether I miss him because I'm hurt and need the comfort or whether I actually like him. At the moment I'm pretty sure it's the latter but I guess this will become more evident in time. It's just refreshing how honest he is about how he's been feeling and how much he's been thinking about me. I'm touched that in just two weeks together I seem to have had such an impact. He managed to get under my skin too though. I cried the last time I saw him (although he doesn't know this) and found I was extremely melancholy at the thought of possibly never seeing him again, although if the email contact keeps up to this degree it's highly likely I will.