Pimping Online

Earlier this week I joined a dating website.

Given my recent disaster with the milk-fed gimp you'd think I'd steer clear of pimping myself out online. However the mistake I made then was that there was no photo available whereas on this site, it's virtually compulsory. I did no research, just signed up with the first one Google threw at me, paid my month's trial fee and sat back. Yes, I could have searched and messaged like a breathless nympho but the low-level fear of rejection persists so instead I decided to see who found me.
The first flurry of emails I got was astonishing; around 40 in about three hours and this was in the middle of the day! The initial excitment wore off as I trawled through the collection of oddballs that were clearly at home, waiting for fresh meat to sign up. Still, it continued but out of the messages that came in, 99% probably got deleted. No, I haven't considered moving to Cumbria...yes, 35 really is my top age limit so 48 is pushing it, sorry...Only three children, really? I had to learn very early on that you cannot reply to everyone that messages you which completely goes against the grain of my inherent British politeness. Most give up if they don't get a reply but some are more persistent which is when the 'ignore list' (or sin bin as it should be called) comes into play. When they cross the line into stalkerville, you're always glad you didn't respond (one guy called me a 'brat' for not responding which I found oddly endearing).

Obviously I'm basing the first decision to respond on appearance and whether it fries my onions. Sorry, but show me someone that says looks don't matter and I'll show you an ugly liar. Seriously the initial attraction is always physical. Granted, it may not be sustained if the vessel is beautiful but empty so personality/beliefs are still massively important. If they're cute and I think their profile is cool and their approach is creative, then I respond. So far I'm talking to 4 guys. All surprisingly different people and not just in looks. I'm meeting the first one tonight after work before he goes to his company Christmas party at Pacha. It's nice in a way because there's an end in sight with his prior commitment so if it bombs we don't have to make excuses. He's my age which is annoying because I was aiming for older given my recent fuckwittage minefield but he's very cute and funny so we'll see. Plus he works in media so understands the sort of industry I'm in.

My second date is tomorrow night with a lovely guy who is older (hurrah), very handsome and very, very funny. In fact, it's scary how similar our sense of humour is and our emails have got progressively more relaxed and intimate. I'm slightly worried about going too far in case these dates are total let downs but I tend to get carried away. One thing I decided was that I was going to embrace this experience. There's no point joining a dating website then behaving like a rabbit in the headlights the whole time. Be prepared to message, talk on the phone and actually meet!

The third guy is a bit of a question mark. His initial approach was massively intense but I took it to be quite tongue in cheek although I didn't reply. He used the phrase 'destructive mire of mutual self obsession' but it was done with eloquence and wisdom. He then emailed me again, lamenting my silence but again his email was so, so eloquent and so exciting that I was compelled to reply. It's so typical of me. I am so dazzled by romantic, passionate men. Men who are a little off the wall, a little dark with whom a passionate, dangerous affair could ensue. I don't know why there is this side of me, I really don't. I had a traditional upbringing and have had a fairly mundane life to date yet I meet someone who could be voted Most Likely To Die In A Hotel Room and I'm hooked. Maybe that explains the whole Kate/Pete thing. Perhaps she's compelled by his tortured soul.
So I replied and he came back with something written so simply, yet it was so supremely erotic I am ashamed to say I re-read it just to feel the tingle in my loins.
Last night he called me and we talked for an hour. He is dark but is a commodities trader so is also apparently, independently wealthy. He was at work when he called me (at 9pm) and after the phone call I got a text saying 'Hard to concentrate thinking of you'. Sorry, but what woman isn't going to melt after reading that? We may be meeting this weekend, despite the fact that I am slightly afraid of him.

The fourth guy is the sunshine to third guy's shadow and is a very happy, Scottish IT consultant. He doesn't immediately thrill me but seems very sweet so we'll see what happens there.

I am nervous ahead of tonight but hopeful too. It's such a marvellous distraction, and a superb ego-massage to boot and so far I can highly recommend it if you have the right mentality. Oh, and a very, very thick skin. My view may change after the first few dates. We shall have to see.