Stupid Girl

I waited a very-restrained three days before emailing M after our date. He replied in fairly short order with a chatty email that included questions which I went back and answered, including a couple more of my own to keep the contact going.

That was the last I heard from him and that was 5 days ago.

Why are men like this? Why do they feel it's completely unnecessary to keep us in the loop re: decisions that involve us? I mean, strap on a pair for fuck's sake! Also, I thought women were supposed to be the fickle ones; how is it possible to decide within the space of an hour and two emails that actually you don't want to talk to someone ever again. As usual I completely misunderstood the situation and thought maybe he actually wanted to date and have a giggle. Note: I am NOT viewing every man as the father of my children. I enjoy having fun and while I wouldn't mind a relationship with the right person I'm not about to rush into anything. Why do they assume we are all picking out wedding dress fabric within four seconds of them saying something vaguely nice to us?

Needless to say with my ego more battered than it's been for ages, my weekend was always going to involve me desperately fishing for validation from men. This ridiculous mindset and far too much wine on Saturday night led to F and I pulling several men and taking them back to my flat. She slept with one of them and I had a threesome with another two of them. Quite what the circumstances were leading up to this I've no idea. I was wasted so there are fairly substantial gaps in my memory which is worrying. Thank goodness they were 'nice' boys because they could have done anything to me and my friend. This is an inestimably scary thought. I have got to stop this excessive self-destructive behaviour. It's starting to scare me now as I'm really putting myself at risk. Although all my friends pretty much seem to be the same so maybe I should be questioning what the heck is wrong with all of us. I guess self-esteem issues would be the main reason but (and I know I'm biased here) we're all pretty cool girls so why we should feel so utterly inadequate is beyond me.
R and I have just booked a week's holiday to Malia in Crete which is basically the clubbing capital of the islands so actually the chances of more of the same are high. Still, at least with any self-loathing incurred on holiday you can fly far, far away from it at the end.

N returns home in just over a week. The three months have flown by. I am very excited about his return but I'm worried about the reasons why. First of all, I fancy him like mad, secondly we've really got on well during the time he's been away and I'm eager to have voice on voice conversation rather than text or email. Finally though, in my mind he has emerged to represent protection, comfort and security. This is dangerous, mainly because I don't know how strongly he feels about me, despite hearing from him on an almost daily basis while he's been away but also because I am likely to make a very stupid decision because I'm feeling vulnerable. I must try my hardest to tread carefully with this one but my excitement levels as the day of his return approaches are threatening to overwhelm me.