De ja vu

I don't know what's going on in my head these days, I really don't. After a year of more casual sex and dating than the rest of my life all together, I am still no closer to a) understanding men or b) understanding myself.

Communication between Red and I continues, however I can feel myself retreating. I've been on holiday this week, travelling round visiting friends and family in the home counties and as a consequence have been away from email anyway, but even my texts have been drying up. I think I knew all along that physically I just couldn't fancy Red which is really, really sad. So much about him appealed to me; his mind, his sense of humour, his interests, his compassion, however the physical thing - no matter how much I tell myself otherwise - is important. The memory of Red kneeling over me, and showing me his cock but first having to move his stomach out of the way is resounding more loudly in my mind than anything else. I loathe my utter superficiality but I am what I am. I don't expect people to be perfect, there just has to be an attraction. I would like to keep him as a friend but I worry we've gone too far for that. He had a problem that cropped up earlier today and his first thought was to text me for sympathy and help. I feel we've crossed a line.

I have somehow agreed to go out with L tomorrow night. It will be the first time I'll have seen him since our disastrous third date back in May. He's invited me to a comedy night, which is just my kind of thing. The problem is, I don't know if he's inviting me as a friend or as a date. He could feasibly think that enough time has passed now for the dust to have settled on our brief period of dating so that friendship is possible, or he might genuinely like me again and want to date me. I have no way of telling so my only option is to go, look fab and not make a single date-like move. I will assume it's a friend thing, then if he happens to try and kiss me or touch me in any way (other than a platonic one) I'll know the score. Trouble is, if he doesn't try it on I think I'll be quite disappointed. The man may have been a headwreck in the past but my God he's damn cute.